How to suffocate the sin before it festers into boils beneath my feet;

the ground comes to meet in penance, through every stride I take.

 

a remembering, a wish that died on the lips on its way out. 

a rosary with one bead missing. replaced by the likes of my iron finger 

wrapped around it like a bad-tempered snake, ready for its kill.

my skirts, they hang low around my knees, as if in hiding.

 as if in taunting, as if in welcome to your own solemn hands that 

match my own.

a rabid dog with its mouth wide open. 

one too many teeth sharp with malice. 

hunger for something other than flesh. other than

defeat.

I hum in excitement.

 I swallow in submission.

 malignant eyes sparkling against the sheet of darkness.

ready to feast, to devour every last inch of the light.

to dance together with the immorality that drenches your fingers,

as sweet as spoilt honey on my tongue, 

offering dreams of solace and things that cannot be named;

only felt beneath the spell of the moonlight.

my skirts have been lifted higher, by sombre limbs that seek to consume. 

to eradicate the release of my thighs, like a threat

caught in between its vocal cords like splintered bones.

oh, sweet devil of things. 

scheming around the silence of my forced surrender.

what will I have left to hold, come the morning light knocking against my door?

a bruised hip, in evidence?

the slight tremor of my womb in exile?

the wet blood staining my gums like a secret?

my skirts lay in ruins at my feet; only remnants of the unspoken desire for the return of death.

the sleeping sun winks at me over the horizon of wrongdoing. 

I am searching for your hand to hold only to grab wishful air.

the barking dog has cowered into the corner of its den,

light comes to wash away the violation of the night.

I sink to tender knees on soft ground. no more skirts to hide the shame of want.

 a rosary discarded into soil and sin alike.

no veil to hide the truth. just a girl, thirsty for her torment to begin anew.

tomorrow only brings such blessings

And I used to dance, and sing, in the kitchen 

Wearing headphones on purpose

Couldn't hear how loud I was,

Or how silly I sounded, 

Or the front door open and close;

I would hallucinate you 

Walking slowly towards the kitchen

Like a cat on its back legs

Following my voice like a compass

hearing me sing while cooking

The favourite dinner you always liked;

And you'd peek through the hallway 

And see me stirring the pot

Belting the lyrics to a song

You don't know

And i'd look beautiful;

I'd look like coming home;

But you never heard me sing;

And the front door never opened;

Or closed;

And now it's April,

But not the same April you

Loved me in 

 

I lay, all bruised and cracked wide open, 

On the bathroom floor,

Memorise all the tiles

Like reading a book

I never want to end

Tiles you laid down, one by one,

Alongside your father

They still hold your fingers,

The stencil of your palms 

If I trace them long enough, hard enough,

It almost feels like 

I'm holding your hand

But it's 2:30 am,

And I'm drunk on the bathroom floor

And the tiles 

Just feel like tiles

And you haven't called yet

And I have a dreadful feeling 

In the pit of my stomach 

That you never will

  1 weird fact about me you probably didn't know:

1. I gag every time I cry too much.

Maybe it was my body's way of saying

I've had too much of this sadness,

I want it out.

 And I wait, hands laid flat against the bed,

Palms facing God; fingers slowly opening and closing like reciting a prayer 
No one can hear

My curtains are drawn closed so tight; my body drenched in darkness, 
As if a sliver of light could cut right through my paper thin skin if I let it,

You are, soundlessly, sleeping in the living room

Are you deaf to how viciously I ache for you? Does it not howl into the night ?

How I tear myself down every evening, tooth and claw,

And rebuild in the morning, so naturally, like eating breakfast

Like petting a rabid dog; even though I know it will bite ? 

I whisper apologies into my pillow

Like if I say them long enough 

I will dream of your forgiveness,