11. You need to leave the house alone one day. Walk like a secret down the street that gave birth to you;  have a panic attack because the sun is too bright and the cars exhaust smells too much like a cancer. 

Laugh because you are here to witness it.

4. Eat the cake on your kitchen floor. The tiles feel too cold against your bare skin. 

 There are untold stories layered beneath the grout.
Sit long enough to uncover them all. 

Try not to throw up.

Whisper curses and wishes into the cake as you eat it.
You have control over your own life.

6.Witness yourself at work. How you bend like a hungry dog.
Notice for 5 minutes. 

Add one extra minute everyday if you can until you forget how to bark. 

 Look at the glowing box in front of you.
Try not to throw it out the window.
Return back to auto mode.

Never try to witness again. 

6. Guilt trip yourself until you have dreams that wont leave you alone.
They bleed into your wake. You wake up in sweat.
Live 1000 lives inside the walls of your room.
There are ghosts in the walls and they crawl in your brain through your nose. 

8.Cry at the gym. I know you want to.

When the trainer comes over and asks if your okay, just tell them your sweating out of your eyeballs. 

They will think your nuts and never approach you again.
  That's how you make new friends.

19. Throw your pillow off your bed. Leave it there over night.
Sleep crooked; wake up annoyed. 

Its okay to be unaligned. the next night with a pillow will feel like a reward. 

Everything is a lesson if you are open enough to learn it.

12. Eat snow whenever you get the chance. 

I ate so much snow in Canada my insides turned to snakes-like-ice.

 I actually just got really sick. I miss my family.

10. You can actually drink the sea water too, its not recommended, but neither is eating snow. 

I miss the family I had 15 years ago and I don't know how to cope with it.

12. Break your car radio while your driving. start punching it until you don't know where your knuckles start and where the cheap plastic ends.
Until that song stops playing.
Throw the pieces out the window. delete the playlist. 

Sing your own song. you don't need a reminder of how much you've lost.

13. Climb the empty apartments in the shitty elevator you thought would kill you at 16. 

A lot of things should have killed you at 16.
Search for the writing on the walls; Scrub at them so hard with your hands that the blood washes away the proof that you were ever there. 

 Your palms hurt. Cry when you see the view. Take a picture. send it to no one. 

There is no one left to send to. 

Sit in the spot you sat 10 years ago,

There are too many secrets hiding amidst the concrete, no amount of blood 

will wash them away. 

27. Pick flowers and place them in your hair gently like a lovers hand;

 Let the pollen coat your oily hair. Leave them in until they rot and fall off slowly. 

Never have a shower. Stand very still during the process,
like the concrete angels looming over her grave. 

Everything is a lesson if you need it to be.

9. Drink the almond milk out of the carton.
It tastes like someone whispered  "*almonds*" from across the room because you get the low calorie option. 

 "*now even creamier!*" call the number on the box, demand to talk to HR. 

 Not because you have no one to talk to, but because they lied to you. 

Pretend that's true.

Cry when no one picks up.

16. Play violent video games until the early morning. you have work in 2 hours.
 Play until your eyes are bloodshot.
There are things you are avoiding and there are only so many games you can play. 

There is always work in the morning. You will always be a dog. 

17. Stay up all night going through his phone. 

Who is Jessica from 2017 and why does he think she's pretty? She is pretty. compare yourself to her. Wake him up and start a fight. 

Live in Jessica's shadow for the rest of your life.

We all do things in the dark we're ashamed of.

5. Drink all the vitamins labelled 'day' at night and the ones labelled 'night' during the day.
Maybe if you do things differently this time, 

There will be no secrets left to scrub away.

18. Don't smoke for two weeks straight and then smoke 15 cigarettes in a day as fast as you can.
Do coke when you hit the big 3 0. live off of stale ice cream and dreams.
Reconnect with the girl you were at 16. 

She knew something you forgot. 

23. Cut up all your baby photos.
Burn the albums of all your family members. Erase the past. 

Pretend you don't know what happened to them when asked.
You don't need to know what happened in the past,
It feeds inside your belly like a parasite.
Hide one picture of her because you couldn't bring yourself to burn it. 

Hide it under your mattress.
Let it dig into your ribs as you try to sleep.
You cannot burn the past away, But you can learn how to sleep with it. 

12. Forgive your father even if you don't want to. Pretend, at least.
Call him and ask if he's okay.
I know you don't care.
 There is so much loathing in the world that the earth has tilted on its axis,
You cannot add more to it. 

Try to live with the hatred that was spoon fed to you as a kid and spit out honey in its place.

14. Paint your face with the expired lipstick you bought when you were 15.
Its red pigment itches on your cheeks. 
It stains your skin for weeks. 
Ignore it when your co-workers mention it. Call them crazy. 
Be brave enough to show the world that the pain it caused you
will never be washed off completely. 

5. Stare at all the seasons drifting by through your window.
Sit so deep with your purpose that you leave a permanent dent in the wood of your window sill.
Watch the ants create a colony so ancient,
The fig trees try to compete.
Summer will come again.
Learn how to manage your grief from the animals around you.

Call in sick, because you are. 

12.

17. Look at  your hair in the mirror every chance you get.
It is your only reminded that she ever existed.

Whisper her name as you comb it like a trance.
We keep the people we mourn alive by the love we show ourselves.

26.

21.

25.

1.

0.

27. Dance with yourself in your living room. Relax your shoulders. Close all the lights,

 Rid of all your clothes and others expectations.
Invite the ghosts to join, let them crawl out of the dark corners of your house;

 and rejoice! Watch them take form of all the people you have ever loved.

Step on the cake, leave a trail of strawberry cream dreams all over your house. Cover the grout.

Whisper magick as you do so; eat it off the floor. 

There is so much love left to sing.

But for now, 
There is work to attend to in the morning.
There are more hands left to bite.